You’ve heard the phrase before, likely in a medical setting: “Treat the source of the problem, not the symptoms.” Shadow work is just this, only more difficult than being ill. I’ve been in the awakening process for a year now, and although I released many shadows and negative habits along the way, I’ve continued to have that nagging intuitive feeling that I still have work to do. On a deeper soul level, I knew there was something else I couldn’t yet see that was still within me somewhere. Last Wednesday, I finally came to realize what that was.
For me, after the traumas, I adopted a plethora of negative habits and thought patterns. I had always looked at the traumas themselves as being the reason I had all these habits. However, in truth the traumas were just conduits that helped to highlight the negative habits I adopted. I was doing these negative things even before these traumas, or even that these habits were buried deep within and awoke as the traumas occurred. I mentioned in a previous article that I wouldn’t have come to realize these negative habits of mine if the horrific traumas hadn’t happened. When you alter your perspective to see things this way, it means the Source of my shadows wasn’t the traumas, but something else. I had to figure out what it was.
I’ve been being told in messages in various forms—tarot readings, random messages in movies, television shows, and songs, even dreams—that I am meant to work with the flow of abundance, light, and love; not force anything, just remain open to receiving. Well, easier said than done clearly, but I discovered there is so much truth to this. As I worked to take down my walls and defenses, I opened myself up to more light. I began to do more things out of my comfort zone, like trying new experiences (I.e., going to a casino for the first time, attending town festivals with a bunch of people, etc.) and being more accepting of my spiritual gifts and psychic abilities. By taking these seemingly small steps, I learned where my healthy boundaries lie. I learned what I like to do, and what I do not. I learned to listen to my intuition. I began to say no when I felt I shouldn’t do something, and began to stick up for myself when I was disrespected. It was looking retrospectively at these new experiences, and occurrences where I asserted myself that I felt truly proud of myself. Last Tuesday, as I sat bored at a local demolition derby (so not my thing, I learned), I was reflecting on my experience a few minutes earlier where I stuck up for myself for seemingly the first time, and it hit me. Memories flooded in of all of my recent experiences outside my comfort zone, and all the new things I learned about myself, and I learned I truly had stepped into my own power at some point in recent months. Then, as I woke up in the middle of the early morning Wednesday from a nightmare (not too uncommon for me), my half asleep self started using positive affirmations and willingly with full intention invited in the light. I went back to sleep to dream exactly what I invited, no more nightmare. I woke up so incredibly happy with myself because the first thing I realized when I woke up was that I FINALLY trusted myself.
I relished in that energy for a while, and felt my chest could barely contain it. I loved that feeling. Not only did I realize I finally could trust myself to assert myself when needed, distinguish low vibrational people from higher ones, determine whether or not I enjoyed something myself, and where my healthy boundaries ended and others’ began; I realized this lack of trust in myself to do these previously mentioned things was the SOURCE OF ALL OF MY SHADOWS. After the third rape, I closed myself off entirely to everyone and everything not because I didn’t trust other people, but because I didn’t trust myself to be able to tell negative people to stay out of my space, or trust that I’d be able to assert myself when needed, or trust I’d leave a negative, abusive situation. Yes, I did not trust other people, yes I did block out my emotions for many years, and yes I did have no self-esteem; but these were symptom shadows, not the source.
If you truly want to feel free from all your shadows, try to be open to receiving the truth in the source of your negative habits. Ultimately, you have free will, and you have to willingly choose and be open to receiving this wisdom. Shadow work is hard enough, but to allow in something this harsh to accept isn’t always easy for everyone.
It’s also important to note that trusting yourself takes time, just as it does to trust others. I had to rebuild my trust in myself from the ground up. It was by taking these baby steps outside my comfort zone to determine my boundaries, my likes and dislikes, that rebuilt my trust over time. I only began to trust in myself fully once I looked back on these new things and saw I do now defend my boundaries and am in my own power. Now that I rebuilt my trust in myself, I am so incredibly excited to open myself up more to my psychic abilities and learn all I can about my spiritual self. Frankly, my life kind of sucked ass (pardon my French) thus far; hence, I only desire one thing from here on out for the remainder of this human life: to simply enjoy it. I look forward to the adventures headed my way!
Not Your Cup of Tea 