It’s sad really, some of the truths you have to accept, some of the things you have to endure. The first post I wrote on this blog was written a few months ago, quite a while before I added it to the website. I discussed the truth that since I was a young child, I felt I was damaged, was unworthy of love or good things, and had no ability to assert myself or my boundaries. I mentioned that I thought it was because I allowed my household situation growing up to determine my self-worth. I allowed outside forces out of my control to determine my value. Although, there is in fact truth to this, I’ve come to realize there was far more damage done to my self-image, self-worth, than I previously ever thought, and not necessarily due to the child sexual abuse itself, but something far more damaging, far more sinister. The latest truth I’ve been forced to face is the true source of why my self-worth, positive self-image, and self-love was lost.
Awakening forces us to accept new truths, expand our horizons, and find our own inner power in order to be capable of receiving positive changes in our lives we’re meant to experience going forward. In many cases, the way these lessons are learned, is in a way that brings us the most amount of difficulty. I mentioned also in a previous article, that since I was a young child, I never considered my relatives family, and always held on to my then dream of living the ‘American Dream’. I wanted to be able to create my own family, one where I felt supported and loved. Family to me implies people who support and love you unconditionally, and I never receive that from my relatives. We’ve been taught by society that the groups of people we’re born into are our family, and that they’ll always be there for you when you need it. But what do you do when from birth, you never felt this way? I was always the black sheep, the outsider of the group I was born into. I never felt happy in my situation, as I was bullied by not only my siblings, but my other relatives as well. I was never understood, and my relatives treated me poorly. Of those who’ve known me since I left for college, I hate to read. I hate it. It gives me migraines. I don’t read for fun. But when I think of most of my childhood and teenage years, this was all I did. Not because I enjoyed it, but because it was a form of escapism. It helped me to pull my focus from the arguments and bullying constantly going on in the house. I really hated my situation growing up; I felt I never truly belonged there. I can even remember researching boarding schools as a young child because I wished I could go to one so badly. These relatives I was born into never bothered to understand me, or know me in any way. I can remember how poorly they thought of me growing up. Because I always felt so misused and out of place, and just continued to always be surrounded by people that treated me this way, never listening when I said otherwise or tried asserting myself or my boundaries, eventually, I gave up trying. This was when I began to think of myself as damaged, less worthy, and of no value. Because I was never treated like I had any value.
It’s terribly sad when I think about it. This treatment of me, and untrue perceptions of my being, still continues to this day. Not only did I fall victim to child abuse, but also several rapes in my time at college. I’ve been through hell many times, and not once, not once during or in effect of any of those horrors did I ever shed a tear. I lost the trial for the first college rape, despite all the evidence and despite sitting there suffering through a three-day trial, yet I never shed a tear. I’ve been harassed or worse over these past eight years repeatedly by so many people, and again, never shed a tear. I admire my strength for that. But I’ve been back here at my dad’s place for only three and a half months, and they broke me down multiple times since I’ve been here. They’ve screamed at me such horrific things, even nearly killing us driving with road rage during the worst of these incidents. It’s even more sad when you realize I was INVITED to stay here, when I realized the city life was no longer for me. I was invited! I was invited to stay here, yet I’ve been so poorly treated. For the entire time I’ve been here, I’ve had to lock myself up in this bedroom, only ever leaving to use the bathroom or get more water for tea or shower. This is because whenever I step out of this room, I get snapped out, or screamed at, or verbally/emotionally abused, simply because I happen to be in the vicinity. I’ve tried with immense effort to do everything I possibly can to try to remain in a calm manner: I drink normally 2-4 pots of tea a day, listen to calming music nearly the entire time I’m awake, I bought myself an electric kettle and foods that only need boiling water so I never have to leave this room, I burn incenses meant for balance and calming or candles all day, I lay with my kittens a lot, and when I feel brave enough I go sit outside with the trees or go watch the sunset. I have to do these things all day, every day, just to find any form of serenity.
I have been told such horrific things, that it’s hard to write it, even now. Set aside the fact that I was invited to stay here, and they still have my rapist older brother here all the time. They aren’t respecting my boundaries, or my being, with even things that are common sense. But the things they’ve said or screamed at me were even worse. Both my sister and my father screamed at me not long after returning here, that all the rapes were entirely my fault, and they fabricated several stories they created in their minds of me that they then used to justify their belief. THEY TRULY BELIEVE MY BEING RAPED REPEATEDLY IS ENTIRELY MY OWN FAULT! They fabricated stories that made me out to be trashy and sexually deviant, and other various untrue things to justify their heinous belief. They’ve continued to be unsupportive and fabricate stories about me beyond this in other ways.
When I was living away, aside from four remaining relatives, all were cut out entirely. The remaining four were kept at a physical and emotional distance. I knew how they were, and I was able to separate myself from their cruelty by living away. But it was me running away from their treatment, and unconsciously still accepting their beliefs as my own.
But I was guided to return back here, and I know now that it was to show me this truth, so I can learn to stand more in my true self. I’ve done so many things thought to have been impossible. Because as part of my awakening, I’ve found my true power, I’ve realized my true strength and courage, and I’ve rebuilt the love and trust in myself I should have never had taken away. I have achieved so much on my own despite my many difficulties. And dammit! I’ve earned the right to feel supported and loved, and I’ve learned I am allowed to take up space, to exist, to love and be loved. I will no longer tolerate this treatment just because society tries to tell me they’re my family. They most certainly have never been, nor will they ever be my family. Just relatives temporarily in my life. Even if they perceive incorrect views of my being, I am confident in my true self and love and support myself, and I will go out into this new life soon to come knowing I have the support within myself to succeed from here on out. I will enjoy life again, no matter how hard I have to work for it. I’ve earned it. I’m not the black sheep, I’M THE BUTTERFLY AMONG CATERPILLARS!
If you find you resonate with this, I hope you find a healthy way out of your situation, and find peace. No one deserves this sort of treatment, and you should never surround yourself with people like this. Hope and pray for loving and supportive people to enter your life. Your prayers will be answered. Lots of love! ❤
Not Your Cup of Tea 