Diving into spirituality saved my life. Not that I was suicidal or had thoughts nearing that, but I had nearly given up the idea that a life free of abuse and the darkness was possible. I almost began to believe that I was doomed to keep repeating the cycles of abuse and rape for the remainder of my existence. I almost submitted to a life sheltered away from everyone and everything out of fear. I was a hair from accepting that I just wasn’t meant to experience happiness, love, compassion, or support in this lifetime. Although I didn’t choose to awaken, in a sense, as mine was triggered by a close person, I did choose to walk the path. Best choice I ever made. If you’re able to choose to awaken instead of being triggered into it, you’re quite lucky indeed. It is a blessing of course, but is not an easy path. Not to scare you out of it, but it does require a lot of work. The result is miraculous and blissful though.
What does it mean to go through a spiritual awakening? Well, when I think about what my spiritual awakening was for me, it was more like a process of carefully excavating my true self—a being of light and love—out of the depths of my own shadows. It was my metamorphosis stage, as a caterpillar in its cocoon slowly transforming into a beautiful butterfly. It was gradually increasing my awareness that what lies within my own soul is a constantly expanding universe, one that contains all the wisdom and wonder of the cosmos I could ever need know. It’s awakening to the truth that although I am a spiritual being in essence, I am living the human experience to grow and learn on a soul level, and to slowly learn to integrate the higher vibrations of Spirit into the physical reality. It’s learning to be in the world, but knowing you are not of it. It’s removing yourself emotionally from your own circumstances and seeing through a higher perspective, one that illuminates the spiritual lesson in all that happens. It’s transforming your inner world and witnessing it create positive change in the external world. It’s learning that love is the greatest force in the universe—as it is those who can feel love in their hearts that find the willpower and courage to confront their fears. Love is courage, strength, and passion. Love inspires creativity and change. Love is the life-force of the cosmos. Awakening is building love for yourself within your own heart and feeling it consume the space your shadows once held. Awakening to your spirit brings freedom at a soul-level, the ability to create your own happiness internally regardless of your external situation, the love for yourself in all your weirdness that fuels your creativity, and that acceptance of change. Awakening is entirely performed by you and your own willpower. This process isn’t based on believing in a higher power, but rebuilding your own belief in yourself and your own power to create whatever you desire of your own free will. This is a process of going inward and accepting what your own powerful intuition is guiding you to trust. You’re not placing your problems onto something else like a gift-wrapped box filled with shadows placed in the hands of another; you do have to actually confront and release all of your shadows on your own. As I mentioned previously though, you can ask with sincerity for assistance and guidance, and it will be granted in some way, shape, or form—usually a way you don’t expect.
Awakening to spirit is a difficult journey. To go through an experience where all of your fears, all of your insecurities, all of your negative views of self, all of your negative behaviors and habits are brought to the surface one at a time with no clear end in sight is downright terrifying. However, at the same time, does anyone really want to keep living with these fears, feeling controlled by these shadows? No. Truthfully, no one in their true essence wants to live this way. I never found happiness or even a glimmer of solace during the years in darkness. I was not happy that I had to give up my childhood innocence and wondrous eye for life to protect myself. I was not happy that I spent my entire teenage years putting all the effort I had into getting into college simply so I could get away from the abuse in my household. I was sad to have to leave those couple of people I cared about behind because I feared I’d be attacked again if I stayed, and I felt even more regret that I couldn’t even tell them why. I didn’t like the depression and anxiety I experienced my first year of college because of repressed memories of an attack the summer before college started. I hated the struggle I endured every day simply to get out of bed every morning, and felt upset with myself the times I lost the battle. I was disgusted that the depression and anxiety brought feelings of loneliness that led me to allow people in my space that mistreated and disrespected me. I beat myself up for keeping those people in my space too long ultimately leading to my being raped several more times. I felt empty after I had to subconsciously disconnect from my own emotions, desires, dreams, aspirations, goals, passions, and zest for life. I was never truly happy as I allowed fear, anxiety, and depression to control my life. Every decision I made, was based on this fear for my safety. Although, this isn’t saying that these weren’t groundless fears at the time, as my older brother truly was and is a rapist, a perpetrator, and going near him would have only brought me more fear and discomfort, if not worse. The same could be said for any individuals of the male species that harassed, abused, or raped me. Common sense does exist here too. But either way, these fears got in the way of my ability to feel happy even in situations where there was no need to be afraid or anxious. These fears were also the basis for where I chose to live, how I chose to live, who I allowed near me (or actually didn’t allow near me), and controlled me so strongly. I felt I wasn’t getting to be my true self in my own life—as if I wasn’t the leading lady of my own story; like a marionette with someone else pulling the strings.
Although it is so much more than deciding not to feel fear anymore, awakening is a blessing. No one can truly be themselves or feel happiness as long as they are bound by fear and their own shadows. The positive aspect of awakening is that it does only bring one shadow to the surface at a time. You will never have to confront more than you can handle. You are also fully supported and guided by your spirit guides, even if you aren’t aware of it. They will always help you if you ask for it. The best part of awakening, the fuel that carries you farther on, is the feeling of weight being lifted, and the feeling of being able to soar into the air as each shadow is released. It feels as though one less chain is binding you. At some point along the way, you begin to find you’re enjoying the journey because of this relief it brings you. It’s a blessing to feel the light within you growing and pushing out the darkness. Once you free yourself and transcend the ego, you’ll feel nothing but the flow of love, abundance, and light within and all around. You’ll feel a happiness never before felt, and you’ll know on every level that you have truly transformed into an entirely new You.
It is this feeling of bliss you get from being in the flow of abundance and light that makes awakening feel so very worthwhile. Now that I’ve come out on the positive end of the healing journey myself, I can say with complete confidence that I have completely broken free of my negative karmic cycles. I have opened myself and my heart up to the wisdom and unconditional love of the universe. I am now creating a new life, one that will transcend anything ever thought conceivable, and I find utter fascination in the mystery of what adventure lies ahead. This process has shown me my true strength and resilience, and I have complete confidence that no matter what mountains are thrust up into my path, I will overcome them in some fantastic, creative way!
Not Your Cup of Tea 