Boundaries 

I mentioned previously the importance of setting and asserting healthy boundaries. Everyone needs to have boundaries. Your power to protect yourself resides in your strength in asserting your boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries helps you to determine where your energy ends and others’ begins. It helps you to differentiate what you will do willingly and gladly from what you cannot be compelled to do under any circumstance. I consider myself to be a little luckier than some survivors in that I had some healthy boundaries established, I just simply sucked at asserting them. So, I only had to learn how to assert and speak up for myself. It took me a while to establish my assertiveness though. 

I discussed previously when talking about how my loss of trust in myself was the source of my shadows, that I had to rebuild that trust from the ground up. To do this, I took steps outside of my rigid comfort zones to determine what I enjoyed and what I didn’t, and learned to refuse farther participation in such activities I did not enjoy. This strengthened my ability to say ‘no’ when necessary. I found this protecting and strengthening of my boundaries also helped me to spread this assertiveness into other areas I was lacking it in. It wasn’t enough to say ‘no’ when needed. I had to learn to also stick up for myself when I was disrespected. For example, a stranger assumed I was pregnant while I was out walking (unfortunately a way too common occurrence for me), and I actually rather kindly and calmly said I was just overweight. In the past when this sad circumstance occurred, I used to go along with the situation out of fear of making the situation awkward or of retaliation of some sort, by responding with a random answer, like when asked what I was having, I’d randomly choose ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ just to end the conversation. They were always nice about it, but I would complain to my friends for a long time afterward about how bad it made me feel about myself. That I was so fat that I just absolutely had to have a human growing inside me. My point being, that this more recent occurrence where I finally got myself to be honest about my just being overweight was another necessary form of assertiveness and of protecting my boundaries. I was being disrespected, even if it wasn’t intentional, and I need to stick up for myself. 

You shouldn’t allow fear of a situation worsening, or of retaliation, prevent you from sticking up for yourself. You and your boundaries should be protected and respected. This doesn’t mean in every occurrence you need to be harsh, angry, or cruel. When I was assumed to be pregnant, I simply chuckled and said I wasn’t pregnant. It’s important to remember that although your boundaries need to be respected, others also have their own boundaries that should be respected. Respect is a two-way street. Hence, you should try to handle uncomfortable situations in as calm a manner as you are able. If, however, a person is relentlessly pushing your boundaries, or disregarding them completely, then be more assertive and pressive in your punishment for such behavior. When I continued to tell my first college-age perpetrator to not touch me, and he continued to do so anyway, I should have punished him by cutting him off completely. You should have enough self-respect to cut people out that don’t respect you as an equal human being. I made this mistake too many times, and I don’t want others to follow in my footsteps. 

Is going outside of your comfort zones enough for you to establish all of your boundaries? It can be, but I believe it to go in tandem with excavating your true self from within. Once you know your true qualities, your true traits, your true self, you’ll be able to tell more of what is for you, and was is not. For example, I always knew myself to be kind, caring, and good-natured. When I went within to discover my true self, I learned I was the embodiment of the feminine energy. I learned that these afore-mentioned qualities were in fact part of my true self, as well as, my loving, nurturing nature, and my love and connection for nature and water. I also was able to see that I needed to incorporate more masculine energy into my life. I was completely missing the fiery energy of passion, risk-taking, healthy boundaries, and inner power (strong willpower and assertiveness). Ultimately, you can’t establish healthy boundaries when you haven’t yet determine where you end. 

In order for you to establish which healthy boundaries work for you, you must first distinguish your true self and what aspects you need to incorporate into your life to find balance. Everyone has to be a combination of masculine and feminine energy, regardless of human form or identities. Discover what you need to do to become wholly in your power, and then practice incorporating those changes into your being. As long as you incorporate more of these changes into your being, as well as, trying new experiences outside your comfort zones, you will find where your healthy boundaries lie. Most importantly, these boundaries only matter if you assert them. Make sure you assert your boundaries in all situations, as your ability to protect yourself lies in your ability to assert your boundaries. It is no one else’s responsibility to protect you but your own. Depending on another to protect you not only gives your power away, but also is unhealthy dependent behavior.