It’s unfortunate, but all survivors adopt negative behaviors after traumas. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us, given that these behaviors are normal after such events. What’s unfortunate about it is that not only are we not aware more often than not that we even behave in these ways, but that the adoption of these behaviors creates opportunities for traumas to reoccur. Is that to say we’re responsible for the traumas, no, the perpetrators are. But there are things we can change about ourselves and our behavior to prevent these traumas from reoccurring. In relinquishing these negative behaviors, we uncover more of our power to assert our boundaries and protect ourselves from malignant people. This gives us more freedom, on a soul level, yes, but also more freedom to create and control our own physical realities—to manifest the lives we desire. As you can tell, there are so many negative effects abuse and rape have on their victims.
Here I will give you a little truth, although it’s not easy to accept: until you free yourself from all of these negative behaviors and your fears, you are still a victim, not a survivor. I called myself a survivor for most of my life, but it wasn’t until a ways into my healing process that I saw the truth: that I was a victim as long as I retained these shadows that were holding me back.
Below are some of the behaviors you may have adopted after your traumas:
Fear for Safety:
The most common negativity we possess as survivors is the fear for our safety. It is this fear that these traumas will reoccur, that we will be attacked again, that consumes us. When I was abused as a young child, I began to fear that I was never safe. This fear controlled me since. I began to fear being touched even the slightest, no hugs or handshakes, since I was around eight or nine years of age. The fear that I’d be taken advantage of led me to alienate myself from others, because I could no longer trust people, and I no longer was able to accept help from others. This fear led me to give up my childlike persona and focus entirely on getting into college, just to escape my situation. Even as an adult, this fear led me to take on extra responsibilities and place myself in situations not serving me—like how I took a second job after the second rape in college and refused to take a break from school because I feared for my safety if I returned to the area I grew up in, and how I took any job whatsoever that offered me a position just to be able to afford my own living far away from my childhood town. Ultimately, it was this fear of my safety that was the source of all of my negative behaviors. I dare say, that this fear is the root cause of most of these shadows. Keep this in mind for future chapters.
Dependency:
There are two paths survivors of child abuse, and traumas later in life, take: one, dependency, or two, alienation. Dependency is the more common of the two. Due to the fear of being attacked again, a survivor who has adopted dependent behaviors surrounds themselves with people at all times. They seek protection from these people. They feel safe only when surrounded by company. This, as you can imagine, is not healthy for so many reasons. When someone seeks company so desperately, they allow those around them with malignant or selfish interests. This leaves them open for being taken advantage of. A survivor who adopts this behavior also loses all sight or recognition of boundaries—both their own and those of others. This gives their power away to others, leaving them open and vulnerable. People who have adopted this behavior, you will find, are also always seemingly in a relationship, or even worse, more than one relationship. Dependent behavior creates a deeply rooted fear of rejection by others. Because they seek company of others so badly, they begin to wear masks to hide their weaknesses, emotions, and imperfections.
Wearing Masks:
As mentioned above, wearing masks is caused by the fear of rejection. This can also be worsened by societal or familial conditioning. For example, many men or male individuals live hiding their emotions and acting of the mind because society conditions us all to believe men can’t be emotional. So, men already struggle with showing emotion. If they’re farther harmed by trauma as a child or young adult, this will only worsen. When a dependent person wears masks, they become who they believe others want them to be, losing sight of their true authentic selves. This also builds a false sense of confidence, a confidence built upon this false identity.
Alienation:
“You can only trust yourself”. The second of the paths survivors tend to walk is alienation. The fear that he/she is unsafe can cause a survivor to lose trust in everyone—that they can only trust in themselves. They begin to fear others and feel alone. There can be a sense that they don’t belong anywhere, to feel alienated. Signs of this are usually people who tend to work alone, refuse to accept any help from others, and have little to no friends. This path is the one I took, so I am well familiar with it. I did everything alone growing up. Group projects? Nope, I did all the work myself because it was the only way I knew it was done correctly. I had only a couple friends growing up, mostly because these couple of friends had been my friends since before the abuse began. Feeling I had to do everything myself turned me into my own worst critic. I placed unrealistic expectations on myself: never show weakness, never make mistakes, never break the rules, be perfect, etc. Since I didn’t want anyone to get close to me, I put up walls.
Distance Yourself Physically and Emotionally:
Since I alienated myself from those around me, I could not let people in. I never allowed anyone intimately close to me, so I never entered into romantic relationships. I kept everyone at a physical and emotional distance. This, as I mentioned far back in Part One, was also due to my belief that it would be too heartbreaking for others I cared about if I let them close to me knowing I was ultimately leaving. It didn’t sit well with me to do that to anyone. My distancing from people both physically and emotionally was still something I did up until rather recently, and was one of my biggest struggles to overcome throughout my healing process. It was because this alienation created a deep fear of intimacy.
Be Defensive/Put Up Walls:
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but to no surprise, being defensive in response to others is not healthy. I had put up so many walls to keep people at a distance that I had even lost connection with my own emotions. I struggled to really open up to people in the beginning about my circumstances. I didn’t begin to talk about my experiences until my first year of college. I believe I feared talking about my child abuse while I was still in the situation. I feared retaliation. I also became a little defensive whenever people asked me certain things, and I didn’t talk much about my childhood and teenage years. But my defensiveness was so bad, it manifested as physical defensiveness, which grew into my disdain for being touched, at all.
Disdain for Being Touched:
A normal response to trauma I think—the dislike of being touched. I was really uncomfortable with being touched in the slightest, due to being touched inappropriately for so long against my will. I feared even hugs and never allowed them. I only ever accepted handshakes in a professional setting, but was really uncomfortable the whole time. This was where you could see the physical manifestation of my defensiveness come to the surface. I’d clam up in involuntary reaction whenever someone tried to touch me. After the subsequent adult rapes, this grew to not allowing anyone in my super large personal space bubble at all. I only ever felt safe enough to relax when I was alone in my own place behind locked doors.
Loss of Innocence/Childlike Perspective:
When you’re a child, your whole world is affected far worse by trauma. You lose that beautiful, magical, view of the world. The ‘mature’ ideals of the world and fear for survival take over. When I was 11 years old and my mother left, I had to give up my childlike perspective of world and thirst for adventure for my focus on college. I had to escape that situation at all costs, and college was the only escape I saw, the only way for me to protect myself. I knew there was no semblance of my safety without an adult presence. I no longer saw the magic and wonder of the universe. I no longer believed in the impossible, or allowed myself to have fun. I believe this loss of wonder to be the worst of the traumas, because it is so hard to get back once it’s gone.
Viewing the World as Harsh and Cruel:
Once I was raped in college, I lost even more than the wonder and magic of the world. I began to see the world as only harsh and cruel. I began to feel from then on that I was alone in exile in a frozen land of ice and snow, devoid of life. I felt I was in the darkness with no way out, for seven years. It wasn’t until I was triggered into my healing journey that light began to enter my world again. But for those seven years, darkness and cruelty were all I could perceive. This is what worsened my defensiveness and fears.
Control-Issues:
When you’re consumed by fears, like the fear for your safety and the fear for survival, you begin to try to nit-pick at everything. You believe that as long as you control every aspect, that traumas will be avoided. This is worsened when you have alienated yourself from others, and are unable to accept help from others. You constantly try to control and prepare yourself for any circumstance that may come your way. An example would be always making sure to have a certain amount of money saved up just in case you lose your job, or fear having an unexpected emergency that costs a lot of money. You try to control your money so you are prepared for anything. This causes you to choose saving over everything else. But the thing is, you need fun every once in a while. You need to treat yourself every once in a while. You need to do things for yourself in order to restore and replenish your own inner energy. Refusing to spend money out of fear of not having it when you need it is in fact a negative behavior. You should instead trust that you’ll be able to handle it should anything happen, a possibility being setting up a payment plan should you get stuck with an unexpected medical expense. No matter what, trying to control everything and have a plan for everything is a negative behavior. The only thing you have any control over is your own reaction to any given circumstance. As mentioned before, everyone has free will, so you cannot control anything outside of yourself.
Feeling Unable to Assert and Protect Your Boundaries:
After my abuse as a child, I feared being touched by others. This was my boundary (now, no it wasn’t healthy), but my relatives and couple of friends were well aware of this boundary. But unfortunately, although I made this clear repeatedly, these people never respected this boundary. I was placed in situations often via manipulation or blackmail that completely disrespected this boundary from very early on. After the first few years of this boundary and others being ignored, I simply believed my boundaries would never be respected, so I lost the ability to assert myself anymore. I felt no matter what I said, no one would listen anyway, and for the most part, I wasn’t wrong. I remember that I repeatedly told the first college-age perpetrator that I did not like to be touched, to not touch me—especially inappropriately—and even punched him when he did it anyway. The problem here was that I should have established a stronger punishment for crossing that line. I should have told him if he did it that I’d cut him out completely, and then cut him out when he continued to do it. I was trying to assert my boundaries, but nowhere near strongly enough. I was afraid to because I grew up with those that never listened even when I asserted myself. It’s not enough to have boundaries, you need to actively exercise your power to protect them, however legally able to. Your power to protect yourself lies in your ability to protect and assert your own boundaries.
Extreme Lack of Self-Worth:
Not surprisingly, as a result of the child abuse, I felt I was damaged, not as good or valuable as everyone else. I was so insecure in myself that I was blind to how others saw me—especially if I had feelings for them. I had always thought I was not worthy of such a wonderful person. If you adopt this behavior as you are an older person, this will likely lead you to settle in relationships. I avoided these anyway due to my alienating myself and being defensive, but I do remember that when I liked someone in junior high and high school, I felt so unworthy and on a lower level of being that I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to him. I was so blinded by my insecurity and lack of self-worth, that I couldn’t even perceive that those feelings were mirrored. It was quite a shock when the truth of those feelings came to light rather recently. The point to this one is that you are worthy of good things, like love and friendship. You are worthy of being treated with respect. You are worthy of feelings of love inside. Never let anyone else take those feelings of worth and love away from you.
Suicidal Thoughts:
The worst of the negative behaviors adopted in response to trauma is suicidal thoughts. Although I personally had not adopted this behavior, I am all too aware of its prevalence. When these traumas lead people to not trust others, to lose all sense of worth and love, and the inability to see the light, people begin to believe that their life is not worth living. So many, myself included feel drowned in darkness after traumatic experiences. Sometimes this darkness snuffs out all desire to live, and survivors take their own lives in response. Suicide is quite common for victims of abuse. If you know any survivors, try to be there for them in support, so hopefully they don’t reach this point.
As you can tell, there are so many negative effects abuse and rape have on their victims. Overcome and release these behaviors! Be a thriver, a survivor! Leave the victim mentality behind you and soar!
Not Your Cup of Tea 