As I am sitting in my favorite tea shop working, I can’t help but reflect on all of my memories from this place. My third year in college, my supervisor from my job brought me to the other location for this tea shop for the first time. This was February 13th, 2016, three days before the three-day trial for the first college rape finally began-after 16 months. I’d been in suffering from severe anxiety, chronic depression, insomnia, nightmares, and PTSD. “Relaxed” was not a feeling I experienced in such a long time. Time seemed to pass by slowly, and I worked two jobs seven days a week on top of my full-time course-load in order to distract myself from my fear-ridden thoughts. When I visited that tea shop, it was the first time I felt relaxed in a long time. After the remainder of that harrowing week, my closest friend at the time (Kristie) and I visited the third location on our own. We fell in love with the berry flavored tea they serve. Later that same week, we tried the first location-the location I am currently sitting in, and our favorite location. From then on through the remainder of my time in college, we came nearly every day, at least 3 or 4 times a week.
Since I was 11 years old, my only goal had been “relaxed”, or ”inner peace”. I had so much appreciation for this place for helping me to calm myself when nothing else could. To be honest, I was not a tea person before I began frequenting this shop. I simply acquired the taste because the peace I felt from drinking it was so necessary for a long time. After college, I still visited this shop, not as much though since I worked full-time.
Even up until October of 2020 when my awakening was triggered, I was still submerged in the darkness these fears, the anxiety, and the depression trapped me in. Throughout the first half of my journey, even then, my goal was still freedom from these shadows and achieving “relaxation” and “peace”. It’s sad to say, but even then, I not only never even contemplated “happiness” as a goal or possibility. It hadn’t even occurred to me. All I wanted was to be safe enough to relax for the first time in what seemed to be my entire life. But, this changed.
At some point along the way, I came to realize that I’d already achieved this peace by knowing I was safe and protected within what I call “home”, what I feel is my inner sanctuary, my world: my divine connection and the genuine love I share with my twin flame. This is what I retreated into whenever I was feeling anxious or afraid, and in doing so, I was always reconnected, or more like, my focus was returned to my love, my heart and out of my head. Eventually, allowing my own love for this person to consume me, I found myself finally free from my shadows. This was not easy for me to allow because I felt I was a burden energetically, and I felt guilty. I knew that pulling on the connection like that is a two-way street. If I entered it only when I was in a low-vibrational state, that’d be doing this person such a great disservice, as he could feel it. So, there were times when this guilt had me pull my energy out temporarily. However, when I finally allowed it to consume me, I achieved a peace like no other.
But what do you do when the only goal you could perceive for so long has been achieved? You aim higher.
I was able to see then that happiness was a possibility, that I was allowed to and could enjoy life and see it as a blessed and exciting adventure. I reflected on the things that brought me joy, and began to incorporate these into my life more in creative ways. I was reacquainted with my love for exploration and wanderlust. I reconnected to my pleasure found immersed in nature. As an anthropologist, I was fascinated with trying out new cultural experiences. I realized I’m just not the type of soul who’s content being constrained by any one box, and anyone will come to find, there isn’t one they could ever fit me into.
I began to create new goals built on stronger foundations of the passion and desire my own love for this person instills in me. I’ve worked to manifest a life that’s as adaptable and flexible as possible to accommodate both the support I have for this person’s goals, and my desires to thoroughly enjoy my own interests. In order to be able to constantly put loving energy out to those I have to help as my divine purpose dictates, I have to be able to stoke my energy through happiness and self-care. The things I’m destined to do take an immense amount of energy to do.
It’s mind-blowing that as I sit here right now reflecting on the reason I began to visit this restaurant, to see that I come here now simply for enjoyment and happiness. I simply am not the same person I was. I feel I am a completely different soul, experiencing this place for the first time and finding myself to be thoroughly happy. There is nothing I’m more grateful for than “home” that allowed for me to be here right now. A new Bri reborn.
Not Your Cup of Tea 