It’s amazing sometimes how many simple or blatantly obvious things are left unrealized. Sudden realization hit me a couple days ago of why I’ve been suffering from extreme burnout for two years straight, and I’m over here laughing at myself for not realizing it sooner. Honestly, this delay was likely in part due to being too burnt out to even receive the information or see things clearly. Burnout is hard to get beyond.
I came to realize the other day that there are so many things I’ve been doing that do not give back to me in any way—seemingly small things, from thinking all the time draining my energy, to playing a computer game I gain nothing from but annoyance of other players with no manners. A lot of people don’t realize that to ponder away all day can drain energy if it’s negative thinking, doubt, insecurity, fear, or anxiety over expecting worst case scenarios all the time. I’ve largely worried this past year over practical 3D matters after being unemployed for so long with no clear option for a job or income. This has left me stranded in a toxic and unsafe housing situation for a year that was never my intention to be stuck in. I have constant boundaries up and every day is battle to stay sane and calm internally. I love myself up in this bedroom for safety and solace, and I rarely leave it. But to feel like I have to fight a battle every day drains so much energy.
Because I’ve been so exhausted, I had tried to play a game on my computer to pass the time, not realizing how much energy it drained. I’d watch television while I ate, or once I laid down, thinking it passed the time until I was tired. But again, this uses up energy. The only time this is worth the drain, is when you’re genuinely laughing at what you’re watching. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Comedy just isn’t what I watch, so it’s draining for me.
I’ve been trying to sit outside by the creek as much as possible, but I had had music in my ears while sitting there. This in turn did not have the uplifting or peaceful effect it was meant to. I got so used to having headphones in all the time while living in the city because it helped keep harassers on the buses and such away.
I’ve been in such a high level of burnout for nearly two years straight, I haven’t had any energy whatsoever for people, and couldn’t even muster the energy to work on this website and my other projects. Not because there’s no passion behind it, but because I’ve been too exhausted to even be able to connect to my own inner fire, or my own passion, dreams, and desires.
Needless to say, since this realization a couple days ago, I’ve been trying to cut out all things I have been doing that did not bring me a balanced return in either an energetic, emotional, or physical way. When you think about, there are so many things we’re conditioned by society to do that we believe are a relaxing benefit, or of some other benefit to our rest. But these are simply not restful or beneficial. I’ve been struggling for a while now on how to be okay with just sitting and doing nothing, because we know we need to in order to connect with ourselves and strengthen connections with others we share through our hearts and souls. My problem is that my body or brain was never content with doing nothing. I’d beat myself up thinking I HAD to be doing something all the time. So even when I meditated or sat alone with myself or nature, my mind always beamed a mile a minute. There wasn’t really a time where I simply was alone with my inner self, without some distraction of some sort.
Ultimately though, there has been a lot of healing internally because of this constant thinking, but it’s taken an irrevocable toll. I tread the line between amazed and proud of myself for achieving so much seemingly impossible healing within only a short amount of time, and being exhausted from achieving so much healing in so little time.
Needless to say, listen to your body. If you’re exhausted, change some things. Ask yourself if you’re gaining anything emotionally, energetically, or physically from what you’re choosing to do. Are these things keeping you from connecting to and working toward your dreams and desires? If so, it’s not worth it. Find a way to be okay with doing nothing and being alone with yourself. It’s not boredom, it’s a necessity. We don’t need to be in constant motion like society would have us believe.
Once I regain my energy, I’ll be so happy to finally feel like I don’t have to ‘force myself’ to work on my projects or do productive things. I’ll be ecstatic to finally be able to put more energy into my inner self and my soul connections. And hopefully, the guilt I’ve endured for so long not being able to do these things due to lack of energy will subside.
Strange things are afoot, and not just at the Circle K.
Not Your Cup of Tea 