The farther into your healing journey, the more deeply ingrained are the shadows that we must heal. I’ve come to find that the shadows I realize at this point are the culmination of shadows I’ve already illuminated; but, in a sense, were more realistically mere pieces of the whole puzzle I simply hadn’t connected yet. I’ve come to see that I have had a habit since childhood of thinking something was wrong with me, or that I was not good enough for better treatment when people treated me poorly or neglected me entirely. Whenever I was ghosted, I’d assume I did something wrong to deserve such treatment, or I’d tell myself I must have deserved such treatment for a wrongdoing, and I’d wrack my brain trying to find out what I must have done in the past to be treated as such. The sad part is, I not only subconsciously knew the abandon was only a projection of that person’s shadows, but I was CONSCIOUSLY aware of this to the point that I could even perceive their shadows. But even though I’ve had all these pieces, even though I knew the truth, I still searched within myself and my memories to see what I did wrong. The reaction was similar in opposite situations when people were aggressive to me for no apparent reason. I knew it was them simply wanting to relieve their stress, and incorrectly choosing to utilize me as the punching bag receiving their release due to their own shadows. But I always told myself that I should have been more assertive, not just in the moment, but in my life or childhood, so they’d not have developed the habit of taking their stress out on me in the first place. I also even accepted this treatment was a shadow side of my kind and supportive nature—this one because people have always poured their traumatic stories out to me when they’re with me, since I was kid—meaning that them sensing my openness to their need for support would bring in both the need to tell their stories in a calm manner, and the need to use aggression to relieve their stress.
Ultimately, I would blame myself for the maltreatment I received from others, assuming there was something I did to deserve it. This self-blame habit I attribute to the abandon and neglect I received from my parents and relatives as a child. This negative habit is born from the mind’s constant need to have a plausible explanation for everything when truthfully, some things words simply can’t describe and only seem to place limited meaning to the limitless. To find an explanation for why I’d been abandoned and neglected as a child, my mind reflected their behavior inward as thoughts of not being good enough for love.
This negative habit was so deeply ingrained, but because of its depth, it took several steps of healing in order to release it. These steps were previously perceived shadows I thought I had already released. I know that these steps were necessary, not only to illuminate this truth, but because the mind and body couldn’t have handled the weight of this shadow and its release at once.
I’ve always felt, but ever moreso during this healing journey, that there was a great distance between the one I truly cared about and myself, making the isolation seem even more desolate. This had me believing that I wasn’t good enough for us to be close, and throughout the whole healing journey, I told myself I had more healing to do because I wasn’t good enough yet. I put so much effort into trying to release all of my shadows—to the point of extreme, incessant burnout and still pushed forward. Ironically, it turns out it was this very habit of blaming myself for not being healed that was keeping me from being healed and creating the distance. The problem with creating this distance—or simply believing it to be there—is that in some form, the person on the other end reacts (more often than not, subconsciously) in an equal reflection, feeling that distance you created and therefore responding with another step back. For example, imagine standing in front of mirror. Watch your reflection. As you take a step back, your reflection does as well, making the distance seem twice as large. This is the reason the connection between the two souls is also referred to as “mirrored souls”. This how the distance seemed to only ever expand and the isolation more apparent.
Ah, but how did self-blame create this distance? Because blaming myself for the actions of others toward me is a deeper form of seeking validation from others. When you seek validation from others, you create disconnect from your own inner self and your own soul truth. If you’re not even connected to your own soul, how can you connect to another’s? The distance that was perceived was a reflection within myself of the distance between my heart’s truth and my ego mind. It was only projected onto this soul connection with my divine partner because that is the truth in which my heart fully resides—the lens through which I view all else, my anchor, my world. Ultimately, only the strongest connection to your own heart can illuminate the truth and pull you back to yourself.
Truthfully, it’s important to remember that had I not had this feeling that I wasn’t good enough for such a connection, I wouldn’t have had the motivation to do the healing work. So ultimately, just like every other habit, it has both a light and a shadow aspect. Blaming myself for not being my best self only perceived to create more distance, however, the truth is that overcoming this shadow has brought us closer than ever before.
Not Your Cup of Tea 