I’ve said countless times that everything happens for a reason, and despite repeating this to myself nonstop, I still struggled to surrender enough to be able to see clearly. My bladder woke me up at 2ish in the morning this morning, and after also having to flush a huge spider while in there, I returned to bed. But no sooner than I laid back down, a spider crawled on my face, and I JUMPED up. After turning on the light and stripping the couch, I still couldn’t find it. This anxiety that it’s in here somewhere forced me to stay up. However, despite the morning jolt, it happened for a good reason.
You see, because I was wide awake, I came to realize a new epiphany as to a negative habit that was blocking change and new manifestations in my life. I’ve had the pieces of this information, but hadn’t been able to connect all the dots until this morning. Now, I see the universe kept me awake knowing it was time for me to realize a deeper truth that helped me break free from another karmic cycle.
I’ve felt so disassociated from my heart and soul for quite a long time, and I’ve struggled to figure out why—not that I didn’t know it was due to something negative I was doing. Well, it turns out I had some a toxic negative habit due to distorted masculine energy within myself. See, when my parents finally split when I was 11, my mother left entirely, which I didn’t much mind, as we were not close, but my father also left. He had locked himself up in garage for the remainder of the night once he returned from work, and I simply never felt his presence. Having to take on the household responsibilities, like cooking and cleaning, this situation forced me into the mindset that I had to do everything on my own, that I could not count on anyone. When it came to big changes, even as a teenager, I made them myself. I filled out the paperwork to join this Saturday college-bound school program. I filled out the paperwork to go to college full-time in high school. I filled out all of my college applications alone. Come college, I filled out my FAFSA and taxes on my own. Naturally, this is something I’ve carried and has been my way of life all the way up until this morning.
But despite the fact that this may seem to not be a bad thing, this is in fact a distortion. A person carries too much weight when they live this way. You’ll never be able to reach your full potential, and will block out many opportunities your soul needs to grow if you continue to live this way. Just because you may be capable of carrying a lot of skills and talents, doesn’t mean you need to.
I’ve said in a previous article that all habits and behaviors, whether perceived to be positive or negative, affect both yourself and others in positive ways, and in thinking this way, you can perceive oneness, unity consciousness. In regards to this negative habit of taking on everything in life alone, it served me positively throughout life and especially this healing process.
See, a lot of my greater lessons and more cherished experiences have taken place in the astral plane, the 5D reality. It is once again through the lens of the connection I share with my divine partner, that I learned this lesson. Once, over a year ago if I remember correctly, long story short, he offered to protect me. Despite how much I really wanted this more than anything, as soon as I woke up, my reaction was, “No. No, you have to protect yourself. You can’t depend on someone else to protect you. It’s codependent. It’s unhealthy,”. As a result, I pulled back to do extensive work on establishing healthy boundaries and learning to assert them.
But truthfully, this too may seem to be a good thing, and for a long time, I thought it was; however, this morning, I realized how wrong I was. This desire to protect myself rather than to accept help from someone else, was borne from this negative belief that I had to do everything on my own. It was a choice made based on a distorted masculine pattern in my life. But, it’s okay to admit you can’t do everything on your own. The new life I’m not only meant to, and being asked to, that I want to live going forward requires me to accept help. I can no longer bear the weight I’ve taken on by doing everything on my own. And I really don’t want to.
Although deciding to take on more masculine habits I know to be the wrong decision for me going forward, having strong boundaries during this past year or so did, however, serve a positive purpose for me. Having such strong boundaries between myself and others’ energies allowed me to truly be able to see and to be my true self that otherwise would have been too difficult to distinguish. Because I could then be stable and secure in my true self, it’s helped me to perceive and to shed all else that wasn’t true to myself, and ultimately helped lead me to the epiphany I realized this morning. So, despite my wrong decision to try to take on more masculine responsibilities a year ago ish, it has allowed me to be exactly where I am right now, and to know wholeheartedly that these habits and behaviors will not serve me on my new path in the future. I’ve now let this desire to protect myself go, and will now walk forward a hell of a lot more vulnerable, but a hell of a lot more authentically. And I am truly happy about this.
Not Your Cup of Tea 