Abundance 

I see messages all the time about abundance, but despite all the healing work I’ve done these past two years and all of the tough karmic cycles I’ve transcended, I have been struggling with feeling abundant. I’ve been thinking lately, trying to find out why I’ve felt this way, and how to feel more abundant in life. As you can expect, what I’ve come to find has shown there’s far more in the way of feeling this bliss than can be easily perceived. It’s another part of awakening that only seems to reveal its truth farther on in the journey due to the shedding that has to happen to perceive it. There are actually multiple reasons I’ve struggled to be abundant. 

First and foremost, it’s important to think about what true abundance actually is. When you think about it, you’ve heard sayings throughout your life like, “You can be the richest person in the world, and still be unhappy,” or “Money isn’t everything,”. Thinking about it, just like how awakening teaches us that within us lies a wealth of knowledge, and that we must find happiness and love within ourselves, it makes perfect sense that abundance must come from within us as well. But how can one feel abundant when no matter how they’re feeling inside, or how much inner work they’ve done, they still haven’t received the financial abundance and basics of a house and whatnot? 

It’s simple really. You’ll never feel abundant if you place the feelings of abundance on anything outside of yourself, like money or loving relationships. See, we are incorrectly conditioned by society to think we need money to survive, that money makes the world go ‘round, and that in order to have all the basic ‘necessities’ we need loads of money. This is teaching us that abundance is money. But no, this is not true abundance, and if you continue to think that you can only be abundant when you have enough money, you will never truly feel abundant. 

I’ve said several times on social media that you will never feel satiated in relationships as long as your own cup is empty. That you must fill your own cup up first with love for yourself; that you must be your own lover. Only when your cup is overflowing with love and happiness, can you attract happy fulfilling relationships. This is the true meaning of the Ace of Cups. I’ve not felt abundant, so I’ve avoided relationships and focused instead on building my own self-love. But even though I was taking better care of myself, breaking karmic cycles, and healing on a soul level, I still hadn’t felt abundant. And this was because I was still equating the word “abundant” with external things, like money. 

But these past few days, as I’ve been trying to figure out how to feel more abundant, like my cup wasn’t running on empty, I came to realize that there was also another reason I felt empty despite all the energy I was putting into myself. In addition to thinking I wasn’t abundant because I had no money or income, I realized I was also putting too much energy into maintaining hope for a relationship and not giving up on it—despite that this relationship was never going to come to fruition—because I mistakenly believed I was only abundant in love if I allowed my love to flow out through a relationship. This isn’t necessarily wrong, but for this to feel abundant and healthy, it has to be returned as well, and it wasn’t. I simply couldn’t accept that I needed to give up, that I need to love myself enough to free myself from the chains of that relationship that only drained my energy and emptied my cup. 

So, there were multiple reasons I have not felt abundant. One, I wrongly equated ‘abundance’ with external things, instead of with the fulfillment within my own heart and soul. Two, no matter how much energy I put into taking care of myself, I put all of that overflowing energy into something that never returned it, leaving me running on empty for a long period of time because I simply didn’t want to give up or come to regret my decision in the future due to the unique nature of that relationship which I am fully aware I will not get elsewhere and I craved that adventure. See, truly my heart and soul crave adventure, and because I thought of this unique spiritual connection as an adventure, I didn’t want to walk away. 

But, I want abundance in my life, I truly cannot feel happy in this life, or feel any sense of achievement on a soul level, if I do not make decisions that fill my cup, rather than empty it. This was a hard-learned lesson. I don’t blame anyone though, even myself for my current circumstances. The thought had crossed my mind repeatedly that it was a mistake to give up everything, the life I built for myself since I was 11, to build a relationship with someone just based entirely on my heart’s desire at the time, but I scorned myself instantly every time telling myself, “No, making a decision with an open heart is never a mistake,” it just simply didn’t work out. 

I’ve used this time in an unideal, toxic situation that I put myself in by making that seemingly poor decision to return to my childhood house despite the two perpetrators and toxic relatives, to work on my own internal healing, and as a base to completely change my life and start anew on a more authentic path, rather than the one society and my relatives expect of me. So, in the end, was this a mistake? No, because I have grown exponentially in every way, on every level because of this decision. 

But I accept now, it’s time to walk the path farther and take steps in a direction that frees me from this toxic household I put myself in, as it now no longer serves a positive purpose, and I will no longer put my life on hold thinking a decision for myself that takes me from here would be giving up. I have done the work, and I will invite more abundance, soul fulfillment, and adventure into my life, and I will damn well take the opportunities the universe gifts me with to truly walk a path that allows me reach my full potential and glow in authenticity. I am a light for others, and I must shine bright for others. I am abundant.